


No, I Can Hardly Stand

by klawhawser



Series: somebody who catches you [2]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alec Lightwood Loves Magnus Bane, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Breaking Up & Making Up, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Hurt Alec Lightwood, Hurt Alec Lightwood, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Magnus Bane Loves Alec Lightwood, Post-Break Up, Post-Episode: s03e18 The Beast Within, Scars, Ten Trails Whump Challenge 2020, Trail 7: Road to Recovery, Whump, Whumptober
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-04
Updated: 2020-10-04
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:16:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26809492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/klawhawser/pseuds/klawhawser
Summary: When he makes a deal with Asmodeus, never crossed in Alec’s mind, how painful it is breaking up with Magnus. He has to endure the gift Asmodeus gives for him. For Magnus’ sake, Alec is willing to do anything.For Ten Trails Whump Challenge by yuckwhump on Tumblr!Trail 7: Road to Recovery – Scars, October 4th
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Series: somebody who catches you [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1945585
Comments: 4
Kudos: 98
Collections: Ten Trails Whump Challenge 2020





	No, I Can Hardly Stand

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is the second theme on Trail 7: Road to Recovery, Scars. Enjoy!

“Alexander Gideon Lightwood.”

The way Asmodeus speaks his names makes him shudders a little. Cold, calculating, and ruthless. Thank the Angel Alec using a smart move to channel Asmodeus through a warlock conduit. He couldn’t envision the thought how chaotic it will be if he summoned him through a pentagram.

“I’m here to get him his magic and his immortality back.”

“Fine,” This is very unanticipated. Asmodeus agrees almost too easily. Judging from the Prince of Hell, there’s no way this kind of request is free. A delighted yet vicious look appears on his face. Alec waits, expecting the worst that has yet to come. “I’ll restore both. Under one condition.”

One condition he’s willing to fulfill to make Magnus whole again.

“End your relationship.”

Alec stammers. No. _No_. His ears probably don’t hear it right. Asmodeus can’t ask him to end his relationship. Magnus can’t lose him too after everything he’s been through. They have gone enough separation in the past and he really couldn’t afford to undergo once more. He will break eventually. His mouth gaping and closing, uncertain how to answer.

“Wh-what?”

“ _You_ are the source of all his suffering,” Alec’s hazel eyes widen in disbelief. But deep inside his heart, it seems to be the truth.

No. Stop. _Stop it_.

“ _You_ make him _vulnerable_.”

_Don’t believe him, Alec. It isn’t real_.

Asmodeus is just playing with his emotion. He’s just trying to manipulate him. To hurt him even further, pulling his insecurities out.

“ _Weak_.”

Alec might be weak. But he’s stronger with Magnus around. He’s stronger because Magnus loves him. Magnus was it for Alec. And Alec’s for Magnus.

Staring at the wood floor beneath his boots, for a moment, he is lost in his thought. Eyelids flutters when he comes up with a sick realization.

Does he?

What can he do to rival seventeen thousand Magnus’ past lovers?

“With you, he will never reach his full potential,” Asmodeus continues with venom. Alec winces. It kind of hurts, but it’s the truth and Alec knows it.

“You’re wrong,” _Asmodeus is wrong_. “We love each other. I won’t just abandon him”

“Then I’m afraid _you_ will be the death of him.”

“Magnus would never agree to it,” He bargains feebly.

“Don’t give him a choice,” Asmodeus interjects. “In fact, Magnus can never know about our little arrangement or else the deal is off.”

Breaking up with Magnus isn’t something he wants to do twice. Magnus left him once and he paid dearly for that. He remembered how Magnus broke down in his arms. He remembered how his body shook, anguish tears seeping into Alec’s shirt. He was clueless that time, didn’t know what to do to lessen the pain. Only Alec’s strong pair of arms to cradle his crumbling boyfriend.

Asmodeus smirks observing the nervous shadowhunter across the desk deep in thought. His cheshire cat sneer grows wider, spewing one last blow.

“Break his heart, to save his life.”

His heart or Magnus’ magic?

Alec would rather experience thousands of heartbreaks than to seeing Magnus without his element.

It’s going to be worth it. Alec loves him so much he would give up everything for him, his heart, included.

And it’s time to repay Magnus’ kindness and sacrifice.

“Deal.”

He gets irritated when his gaze lands on Asmodeus. A triumphant look that matches a Prince of Hell. His thumb rubbing the back of his hand, as if to getting ready to speak.

“This deal come with a gift,” Asmodeus stands from his seat, circling the desk in a calm demeanor, trapping Alec in his seat. Alec gulps. He knits his brow, unwilling to give in.

“By the time I return his magic back, cuts will appear on your body and you will feel pain whenever Magnus uses it. The pain doubles, the more he uses his magic,” His eyes scans, searching fear in the shadowhunter. But he found none. “The gift is a reminder of what you’re willing to give for this deal.”

Alec took a deep breath and nods. “I don’t care what happens to me as long as you return his magic and immortality back.” Not waiting for Asmodeus’ response, he gets out from his seat and shoves Asmodeus away and slams the door.

\--

Since their breakup, Alec has been locking himself in his room. He doesn’t have the energy to talk to anyone, not even Izzy, Jace, and Clary. He heard from Isabelle that Magnus got his magic yesterday. But he doesn’t need Izzy to tell him that news, thin scars already scattered on his body.

The cuts don’t stop bleeding no matter how much iratze he draws. He sighs in pain. The pain has been unforgiving since a couple days ago. Thank goodness Magnus doesn’t have to see him like this, or he would break the term on his part once he sees him. He’s thankful, Asmodeus may be a Prince of Hell but at least he is true in his words.

He gasps as another open wound appear on his forearm. A thud is heard as he topples over his bed, making himself smaller, trying to contain blood curling screams. The pain become more unbearable every seconds. This is the tenth wounds to appear. Gasping for breath, he wails.

Izzy often hears cries and soft gasps coming from his brother’s room. For the past several days, she left him alone to give him some time. Her heart feels a pang how he gave up his heart for Magnus’ sake. She wanders back to when he told her his deal with Asmodeus.

_“Magnus sacrificed everything, so I could feel whole. And now I have the chance to do the same for him.”_

_“He wouldn’t want this,” Izzy shook her head. She aches for his brother. “He loves you so much.”_

_Alec is silent, nodding ruefully. “I know.”_

_“But I’m not the first person he’s loved. And I won’t be the last.”_

_Her eyes water. Alec is so self-sacrificing it hurts but it doesn’t surprise her. He’s been doing that since they were young. He always protects Izzy and Jace even when it feels like the world was too big for him to handle. And the fact that it’s his first relationship but he already given so much. Dead air filling around them, Alec continues._

_“Breaking up is gonna hurt like hell,” his voice wavers a bit. Izzy knows it hurts Alec to see her cries for him. “But it’s the kind of hurt he can recover from.”_

_“But what about you? Can you recover?”_

_Alec looking away from her, his breath trembling, thick with tears. His brows furrows in agony. But a smile that doesn’t reach his eyes is ever-present._

\--

Magnus felt empty after he destroyed the lock engraved with ‘ _Aku Cinta Kamu_ ’ which he hung together with Alec.

Alec left him. Because he was too broken for him to love. A damaged goods.

He is about to step on the remnant of the broken lock, but his phone vibrates. He takes it from his pocket and squints at the ID of the caller. _Isabelle_.

What could she probably want for him?

He picks up the call. “I thought I made it clear I don’t want to hear anything from any Lightwoods?”

“Magnus...,” Izzy trails off. “Please come by the Institute. I need your help. It’s Alec— “

“No, Izzy, No,” Magnus cut her off. The pain is too fresh for him to talk about _him_. “I’m sorry. I wish I could help but I can’t right now.”

Magnus waits for her response. He became worried when he hears Izzy sniffling on the other side. “Izzy?”

“Please, Magnus. Just this once. I won’t bother you again, if that’s what you want. I’ve been hearing Alec crying in pain from his room and, a-and I knew something is wrong with him,” Isabelle begs.

Never once he sees Isabelle pleads like this. There’s another voice coming from the other side of the phone. “M-Magnus, he just let out another scream. Please help Alec, Magnus.”

He closes his eyes. Not wanting to know what causes his pain, probably caused by their broken relationship. He agrees nevertheless.

“Okay. I’ll be there in a sec.”

He ends the call.

—

By the time he steps out from the portal, Izzy is banging on his door. A very frantic looking Izzy that doesn’t fit her at all.

“Alec? Alec! Can you hear me? Open the door please, I need to talk to you.”

No response coming from Alec.

Magnus palms lands on Isabelle’s hands, stopping the banging abruptly. As magic gathers around his hands, Alec lets out a shriek beyond the door. The door opened with a bang. Their eyes widen seeing what lies in front of them.

Alec curls on the floor, blood pools surrounding his hunched figure, various bleeding cuts and wounds are visible everywhere in his body and he is whimpering, small beads of sweat are on his forehead.

Magnus walks closer and crouches beside him. Before his delicate finger twirls, calling his magic, Alec death grips his wrist.

“NO!”

Magnus was taken aback. “What’s wrong, Alexander?”

“Please. No. Just leave me alone,” Alec’s eyes are lifeless, glistening with tears. He clenches his jaw, not wanting Magnus hears screams escaping from his mouth. “I’m not worth your time.”

Magnus pats Alec’s hair and he shushes him, his index fingers rests on his lips. _Oh, Alexander_. It hurts to see the person you loved- _love_ in pain. Still, he doesn’t really understand why Alec is apologizing to him.

“I can’t, Alexander.” Magnus whispers, soothing Alec. His mind yells at him for being too forgiving when it comes about Alec. Even though Alec has broken his heart, he doesn’t have the heart to ignore him. “I’m here to help you.”

Alec shakes his head, tears cascading on his cheek. “N-no. you... you can’t. you must not. I’m not your responsibility anymore. It’s something that I have to endure by myself. It’s the pri-”

Endure? What does he mean by that?

Izzy gasps as she realizes something. _Oh, Alec._ She rubs his head softly and feels Alec nods, but he seals his lips shut and curls himself even smaller.

Thinking hard, Magnus then remembers the timeline. How short the timeframe is from when his father returns his magic back and Alec breaking up with him. _Don’t tell him…_ He put the two and two together and snaps at Alec. Alec weak stares penetrate his gaze back in confusion. Magnus sighs.

“Alexander, please tell me you didn’t make a deal with my father?”

Alec flinches, but Magnus could read through his lie easily. Alec is like a book drenched in water; easy to read but hard to open.

“What are you talking about, Magnus? I don’t understand.”

“Don’t play this game with me, Alexander,” Magnus warns him. “I knew the fact that you’re lying to me, Alexander! What did he ask of you to get my magic back? You perfectly understand that, Alexander. You know how manipulative he is.”

Alec groans as he tries to sit, Magnus and Isabelle steady him. He mutters a soft thanks before speaking, “He told me t-to break up with you.”

Magnus is angry. Angry at Alec, at his father, and at the world. _Why everything always tests their relationship?_

“Why in the hell you did that?” Magnus rages. This self-less act, however only brings pain on Alec and everyone around him. “From the day I went to Edom and exchange my magic to save Jace, I never dreamed for Asmodeus to return them, Alexander. I just need you to be by my side!”

“Because _I love you_ , Magnus,” Alec sobs. “Why is it so hard for you to understand?”

“If you love me so much you wouldn’t break up with me for this stupid deal, Alexander.”

“He said I would only hinder you, making you vulnerable and weak. And I know I did, Magnus. Because of me you lost your magic. I promised you I will find a way to get your magic back and I found it. This time I’m doing it for you.”

Magnus grimaces. “What about your wounds?”

“A cut would appear every time you use your magic. No matter how much iratze I draw, it won’t stop bleeding. He said it was a gift. A reminder for what I’m willing to give for you.”

A curse bestows upon his beloved.

Alec sacrifices himself for Magnus, even breaking up with him to make him feel whole again. How can he let Alec walk away from him? He regrets how he didn’t’ try harder for Alec.

“I told you, Alexander, I don’t need you to do anything. Yes, I may have been depressed for the last couple of days but I need you to be there for me, when I feel like it’s too much. But I don’t need you to do it for me. I love you so much that I can’t bear it to let you sacrifice yourself, Alexander.”

Alec listens to Magnus’ confession. _Magnus loves him_. He could feel Magnus’ eyes him with adoration. His gaze lingers on Alec for a while before flashes his eyes at Izzy. She is too silent and her face is paler now. _Ah, he gets it_ , “You knew about this don’t you, Izzy?”

She nods regretfully. “Alec told me about the deal the other day, but I didn’t know it comes with this.”

That’s it. Magnus has had enough with his father hurting everyone he loves.

“I’m going to find Asmodeus.” Magnus lurches to the door. He has to end this.

“Magnus, wait!”

Magnus turns his back to meet Alec. “Please don’t do this. I don’t want to cause you to lose your magic again, Magnus.”

Magnus forms a thin smile.

“To be honest, Alexander,” he stops briefly. “I’d rather lose my magic and immortality again than to see you hurting like this. I’m sorry I’m going to hurt you one last time. I have a greater demon to banish.”

With that, the door closes with a thud as Magnus goes away from Alec.

\--

Alec got unconscious as Magnus leaves him for Asmodeus. He vaguely hears Isabelle calls his name before he black out completely. His adrenaline ran out by meeting Magnus. He’s glad to be able to meet him once again. At least, if he has to die right now, he won’t regret anything. He’s relieved to be able to see him one last time.

When he blinks his eyes open, he is back in Magnus’ loft. Soft, silky gold satin bedsheet hugs him. He is alone in the room. He took a glance on his toned body. The wound has disappeared completely, but they left thin white scars imprinted on him.

He loathes it.

It’s a grim reminder how he saves him by breaking his heart.

Those scars are ugly, he thinks. But he has to live with it.

“You finally come back to the land of living, Alexander,”

Alec is too busy observing his scar, not noticing Magnus stands by the doorframe, resting his side on it, a mug of tea cradled in his hand.

“Magnus, I…”

“It’s over, Alexander.”

“I know that, Magnus. And I’m really sorry for breaking your heart. You don’t have to-“

“N-no, that’s not what I meant, Alexander,” he strides to Alexander’s side. He doesn’t have time to have a miscommunication with Alec. The bed dips as Magnus sit on it. The way Alec looks at Magnus expectantly warms his heart. His messy bed hair makes him look like a child. “What I meant is I banished Asmodeus for good and I lifted the curse Asmodeus put on you.”

“And your magic? It’s not gone, isn’t it?” Magnus can’t comprehend how can Alec worry about Magnus when he’s the one who almost died bleeding extensively.

“No, it’s still here fortunately. Asmodeus’ magic is now coursing inside me and I’m more powerful than ever.” Luminous blue magic circles Magnus’ hand and Alec didn’t feel pain at all. His heart beats fast and Alec lurches at Magnus and kisses him hard.

Magnus is surprised but soon melts into Alec’s quickly. His hands pulling Alec’s nape, their kiss intensifies. Time has stopped when their lips collision. Alec has been dreaming to kiss Magnus ever since their break-up. Now his dream came true. They part gasping for breath and locks into each other eyes. Love etched on their eyes.

“I love you, Alexander. I won’t let you leave me again.”

Alec chuckles, chaste kiss placed on Magnus’ soft lips. Magnus heart soars.

“I don’t intend to, darling.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there! Thank you for reading my fic. I’m not lying I almost cry writing this one haha. I hate seeing Alec hurts ☹ Please do bookmark the collection, leave kudos and comment if you like! 
> 
> I wrote the first theme [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26731759E) or simply by clicking [this](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1945585) ; for complete collection . Please wait for the third theme, Nightmare, coming up on October 6th. See you later!


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